


Someone you loved

by ASnackForAlways



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:47:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24738709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASnackForAlways/pseuds/ASnackForAlways
Summary: A "What if?" take on 7x10 Inspired by "Someone you Loved" by Lewis Capaldi
Relationships: Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter
Kudos: 3





	Someone you loved

/Now the day bleeds  
Into nightfall  
And you're not here  
To get me through it all/

"You know I love you Donna."  
"Love me how?"  
"I'm sorry Harvey, I had to know."

Those words were on his mind, playing like a broken record, ever since that night in her office three months kissed him and before he had the chance to react, she left him standing there like a lost soul. Since then he couldn't stop blaming everything on himself. If he just had the courage to stop her and talk it through. But no. He was in shock.12 years of bottled up feelings and she kisses him out of the blue? Of course he's gonna be in shock standing there.  
Even the therapist he started seeing didn't help. Nothing helped was leaving him. In one way or another. He could cope with his family being one of the reasons how he felt, but she was different. Donna was different. She was special. Not just a secretary or a COO. She never was that. A friend? Always. He knew that he could confide in her with everything in his life. Even though it's been three months since she even acknowledged him, he missed her. He missed their late nights filled with alcohol and his father's music. And the smile she always cracked at his awful jokes? He couldn't stop thinking about that. He missed everything about her. She was the only constant thing in his life for 12 years. Some might say that she was his better definitely was more than just a friend. Even the panic attacks didn't help the guilt he was feeling whenever he passed her in the hallways. As the days went by, his panic attacks grew stronger. So strong that he had to take a trip or two to an emergency room. At least nobody except Ray and Mike knew that. He couldn't cope with everyone finding out about his health issues. Especially not her. She might have been with him through it all for 12 years, but this is something he doesn't want her to see. Ever. Why? Simply because she's someone special and he's supposed to be strong for her. Protect her. Not crumble into million pieces of emotions that gathered in one place all his life. At least that's what Harvey thought while he downed yet another tumbler of scotch.

Monday morning, 10 AM

After yet another eventful weekend it was time to go to work. He overslept. For the first time in a while he came to work later than usual. He's been coming to work before her everyday for three months always stopping by her office to just think about everything and then leaving before she had the chance to register that he was even there. But today was different. Because he came in late. And in a bad mood. As if waking up past his alarm was bad, his lucky cufflinks went missing. Taking off his jacket he sat down and logged onto his computer. After replying to some emails, a new one arrived. It was from his secretary. Apparently today was a great day to send a request for a vacation.

"Son of a bitch!" He all but screamed. "A vacation my ass. Not even working for a week and she wants a vacation? Who does she think she is?" with that he started writing a reply. Just as he was about to get to the part where he would fire her, he noticed a movement outside his office. Rolling his eyes he looked up. Seeing the redhead wasn't even surprising at this point.

After 12 years he knew her movements almost better than his. They were almost like one soul. Wherever he went, she was there. Not only physically, but emotionally too. As if they somehow shared one brain. Not so much lately though.

"Well, look who decided to grace us with his presence." He didn't even look up from his computer. Shoulders tensed, a frown on his face. If he looked up, he would've seen the playful smirk on her face.

"Not now Donna. I have - " she can see how pissed off he is, but she still risks it. "Had a late night, didn't you?" still no reaction from him. "C'mon who's the lucky girl?" Getting a better look at him, she could see better the state that he was in. Bags under his eyes, pale face, tie slouching to the left and he clearly missed a spot while will this man learn? Still beyond her.  
"Harvey," she sits down at the chair opposite his, "what's wrong? You're not usually like this. What happened?"

He just sighs. "Why does it matter now Donna?I have stuff to do. My poor excuse of a secretary is taking a vacation when I need her here,because I have way too many things to do and I can't do it alone. And to top it all of my cufflinks got lost."

"Which ones? The gold ones from your father or the other ones?" she gave him that look and he immediately knew what she was talking about. Once his name made it onto the wall, she surprised him with a small box right after. They were small silver cufflinks with monogrammed H.S and the date on them. Ever since then he always wore them when he had a trial or was just in a bad mood. Those were his lucky cufflinks. Of course they had the can opener ritual, but everytime she saw him wearing them she felt this funny feeling inside of her. She was pleased that he cherished them this much.  
"The ones you gave me." then as if something came over him he looked at her "Why does it matter? They're just cufflinks, right?"  
"What?Just cufflinks?" She looked surprised and then raised an eyebrow, " You might as well treat those things as your babies. And those are your special ones. We need to look for them now." she was about to stand up but he stopped her.  
"You're not my secretary anymore Donna." there goes that sad voice again. She heard that tone way too many times lately.  
"That didn't stop me to care about my friend when I was, and it doesn't stop me now. "  
He shrugs, "Friend?Please."  
"What does that mean?" she looked confused.  
" Do friends ignore each other for three months? Is that - "

"Are you kidding me? Do we really have to do this now Harvey? No, you know what? " she stands up now, ready to leave "I'm going."

Harvey interrupts. "Yes, now! Because I'm not wasting another three months dealing with a silence anymore." She gives him that look he knows means Go on!  
"Why did you ignore me? In the 12 years that we've known each other that has never happened. Then one day you kiss me and then ignore me and treat me like a complete stranger. Why is that Donna? And I know that you did it because you had to know some things and that you were sorry about it, but I was not. Because it made me realize some things about you too.."

She interrupts, tears threatening to fall. "It affected you, didn't it?"

"What do you think Donna? Even though it doesn't feel like it, I'm a human being too. Of course it affected me!" he paused to take a deep breath trying to calm himself before inducing another panic attack, "Do you really think that after 12 years I won't feel anything? Do you think that everything that happened between us didn't affect me?" He paces around his office at this point, "Everything you do affects me damnit! You were by my side for 12 years. That makes you family. Maybe even closer. And one day you up and left me for Louis. You know how that made me feel? Like a failure. Like I couldn't keep my family together. And I know that you know about the panic attacks, but I'm sure you don't know about the therapist I saw because of them." she was too stunned to interrupt, so he continued, "I know this was a long time ago but you left me damnit!"

"Harvey!"

"No Donna, I have to do this before one of us shuts down again." She was too stunned to interrupt him, so he continued.

"Ever since you came back we haven't dealt with it and then other things happened. You know that I'm not usually the one with his heart on his sleeves, but this is 're different. And I can't imagine not sharing everything with you. Maybe that's why you leaving took a toll on me and caused me to have panic attacks. At least that's what my therapist said at the time. But then you came back and it felt like you never left. What I'm saying is that I hated it when you left, but I hated myself more for putting you in the position to quit in the first place. Ever since then the mere thought of you leaving gives me anxiety.."

Noticing the sweat and slight shortness of breath Donna decided to interrupt. As much as she knew that he had to get everything off his chest, she couldn't bare to see him having a panic attack now.  
Not to mention that it won't look good to have the managing partner crumble in the middle of his office surrounded by glass walls.

"Go sit down and try to calm down Harvey." Contemplating whether she should go with him or not, she decided against it and went to get him a glass of water instead. Then she made her way to his couch and sat down next to him.

Taking the glass from her he slowly drank it. After finishing it he put it down and relaxed into the couch, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths trying to calm his breathing down.  
"I'm sorry Donna."

"For what?"

"For being so broken," he looks at her "and because you have to see me like this."

"Please, it's nice knowing that the Harvey Reginald Specter is not made out of stone." she smirked, but then became serious. "But you should know by now that after all this time I expect you to come to me with everything, so why the hell didn't you tell me that you've been having your attacks again?"

"Because I couldn't."

"Why?"

"Because I can't have the person who I respect see me like that." Even though he wanted to say something different, he couldn't because they weren't there yet. Though what he didn't expect were the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. He hated this part with a passion. Every damn time he had a panic attack he would cry after he calmed down even a little bit.

Noticing his expression, she shifted closer to him and started rubbing soothing circles on his back. Ever since she found out about his panic attacks the first time, she researched everything there was to know about it just in case she ever needed it. She could never forget the pain and regret she felt when she heard Harvey's voice admitting to Louis that he started seeing a therapist. It hurt way too much. But she walked away from him. She wasn't his secretary then. But that didn't mean that she didn't care, so she cared for him from far away.

After a while she saw that his tears got worse, so she put her arm around him and brought him closer to her, prompting him to put his head on her shoulder. Professional relationship and personal space be damned. He needed comfort and who better than her to provide it?

"It's gonna be okay Harvey. You're gonna be okay." still rubbing his back she felt relieved when his sobs calmed down a little bit.

They sat like that for what felt like hours. Her caressing his back but when she saw his state, she all but insisted on him laying down. He looked at her like she was way too crazy, but he still did so. So now here they were in his office. Him laying down with his head in her lap, looking at her. And her running her fingers through his hair.

He didn't know what it was, might have been the way her touch felt like home or the way she looked at him with those sparks in her eyes that suspiciously looked like tears, but he decided to break the silence. "You know that I will be okay, right?"  
"I know, but I've never seen you like this. It scares the shit out of me Harvey." the tears start rolling slowly down her cheeks, but Harvey was quick to wipe them away.  
"Don't worry, nothing's happening anymore. I'm gonna be okay."  
"You are?" She sounds hopeful and he can hear that slight teasing undertone somewhere in there too.  
"A work in progress." He smirks.  
"Good."  
"Good." He smiles and then they sit in silence, listening to his father's records.

Minutes became hours and suddenly the sun began to set. They spent the whole day in his office. Listening to music, drinking and talking about everything and nothing at the same time.

"Thanks for doing this Donna. I am sure that this isn't how you expected to spend your day today, but thank you."

"You'd rather Louis be here doing this? Please, we both know that I'm a much better company than him."

"And prettier too."

"And don't you forget that mister." she winks at him.

"Like that's possible." He scoffs, but seeing the confused and slightly flustered look on her face he straightens up getting up into a sitting position beside her.

Taking a deep breath, he knows this is it. It's time.

"You can't expect me to sit here and ignore 12 years of this. You've been by my side almost every damn day, you've seen me throughout the bad and good. You know me better than I know myself, and I'd be a fool to not think that you're the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. I'm not blind Donna, I'm a grown ass man with a pulse. You said once, that if I was lucky enough to have you I wouldn't want to share, as always you were right. Every time there was a guy in your life it bothered me. It always did,"he looks at her face strained with tears and chuckles slightly while reaching to cup her face with his hands, then he continues, "And I know that I'm no saint in this situation, but they never meant anything because there was always something keeping me from committing to them fully. I didn't know it then, but now I do. It was you Donna. It always has been. From the day you asked to be moved to my desk I couldn't stop thinking about you. But I knew that you wouldn't give in because of your rule, so instead of pursuing a relationship I asked you to work for me. If you ask me, that was the best decision I've ever made. No, I don't regret it, because we both know that we weren't ready then, but thanks to all these years we've gotten to know everything there is to know. Every small little detail I discovered about you made me love you more and more each day. I love you Donna, and I'm sorry that I ignored you these last few months. It wasn't because I didn't feel the same, it was because I was scared."

"Of what?" She sniffles,

"Of my feelings for you. Of everything that the kiss 's why I've been working on getting better, so that I could be the man that you deserve. A man tha- "

He didn't even get to finish before she silenced him with her mouth. After getting over the initial shock, he did what he should've done the last time she kissed him out of nowhere. Putting his arms around her lover back he pulled her closer to him and deepened the kiss. When he felt her arms in his hair, he felt a smile coming onto his face. This was it. He could feel everything in that kiss. Because everything that she didn't say, she expressed it with her actions. But before they could go any further, she pulled away.

"We can't do this Harvey."

"Why not?" He tried to kiss her again.

"Because we're at the office and everyone could see."

"But we're the last ones here."

"I don't care. This can't happen here. We have to be professional here from now on."

He was speechless. Did she just? "Wait. Does this mean?"

"What? You think that after all that you said that I'll let you go?" she puts her arms around his shoulders again and pecks his lips. "You've got me now Harvey. And I'm sure as hell not leaving you." she kisses him again, "I'm in this."

"You are, huh?" he smirks, "Well, so am I."

After he kissed her, he went to grab his things and then looked at her, "Let's go before I do something that the whole firm will talk about for days."

"Okay."

Next morning, Harvey's apartment

After they stumbled into his apartment, there was nothing stopping them from tearing their clothes off and rediscovering what was under them. Later that night or actually the early morning both fell asleep tangled in each other's arms feeling happy for once.

The next morning it was Donna who woke up first. Opening her eyes, she looked around the room. Noticing her surroundings, a slight smile appeared on her lips. It really wasn't a dream. Coming to her senses a little more she could feel the arm around her waist hugging her close, and the warm breath on her neck too. Smiling, she turned a little and looked at him. Laying there like that, holding her as if he was afraid she would disappear. So cute she thought.

"You're watching me sleep now?" He smirked.  
"No."  
"That's creepy Donna."  
"Really? Maybe you should sue me." She leaned closer to him, almost touching his lips.  
"Maybe I should. You know any lawyers?" He slowly trailed his arm up and down her back, causing her to shiver.  
"There's this one. Really annoying and a pain in my ass for 12 years." Her laughter was swallowed by the press of his lips. It might have only been a few hours, but she still couldn't get used to the way his lips felt. Or how his body felt against hers. But who she was kidding? It felt like they belonged here. Bringing him closer, she deepened the kiss.

Pulling away, it was Donna who spoke first: "So, that happened."

He couldn't help but mirror the cheshire cat grin that appeared on her face. "It sure did."

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! I caved in and got an account here. Therefore, I'll be double publishing here and on ffnet. -Jane


End file.
